waaaaah

i dont wanna do homework I just want to paint.
i dont wanna do step work I just want to go enjoy the beautiful weather
i dont wanna shower i just wanna lounge around in my nightie
i dont wanna send Ari to day care I wanna cuddle up with my snuggle bunny
i dont wanna give you up i just wanna keep you close to my heart
i dont wanna eat lunch i just want starbucks and more starbucks

the ABCs of gratitude

My friend Lauren gave me this idea of creating an alphabetical gratitude list. So I am grateful for:

A Ari - his tiny little paws and the sound they make pitter patter on the hardwood floor
    Adam - snuggling, safety, warmth, tactical problem solving
    Arpi - encouraging the artist in me, quiet strength, laughter
    Art - splashing paint around? I'm in!

B Bua - the food she'd bring me to Westchester
    Beaches - even though I haven't been on one in a while, ultimate relaxation
    Blog - this blog and what its starting to represent
    Bollywood - the true test of depression is when I'm not watching enough Bollywood movies

C Clothes - finally having the self esteem to buy beautiful clothes that actually fit me and feel good
    Color - what would I do without the vibrant colors around me?
   Cara - for never judging me

D Decor - my home still takes my breath away. I'd love to pursue interior design as an interest - find some blogs

E Evenings - when I feel my best, the fuel to my hypomania, wanting to get things done
   Eyes - the gift of sight

F Food - comfort, dysfunction, love but still grateful for it all
   Forever 21's plus size collection
   Friends - what would I do without them
  Fufaji - he's just adorable

G God, higher power, power greater than me
    guidance
    gratitude lists! the forum

H Home - having somewhere to relax, rejuvenate, sleep, cry, love, lounge
    HR - the possibility of a career path, people always responding to me "oh you'd be great at that"
    health insurance

I India - never thought I'd say that but yes part of me is grateful for India and being Indian
  iphone and soon my new iPad

J Journaling - clears up my heart and head

K Kleenex - soft, soft

L Love - every form of it in my life
   Leo - love our "Friend time"
   Lu - maggie

M Mom - her soft everything, cheerleader
     Marriage - the institution, anticipation, hope
     Music
     Mehul
     Money
     Medical team

N  New York - always

O Outside - is so pretty right now, love this weather

P Parks ...recent trip to Riverside Park with Ari
   Pa - his hugs

Q Qualifier - believe it or not I am grateful for him because my relationship with him pushed me to get the help I need

R Relationships
    Recovery Partners

S Speakers in the bathroom, and everywhere else
   Sponsor in program - for her constant support and guidance
   Shreya - my ftp
   Stuti - so glad we have iMessage

T Telephone meetings

U Understanding

V Vulnerability

W Water

X Sex in a loving, safe relationship

Y Yes - being able to say that more often, less social anorexia

Z Zeal 

Day 14 really?

Tomorrow is going to be day 14 of emotional sobriety. I should celebrate by having a drink haha just kidding. I don't want to have to go to one more 12-step program.

I wish there was a less intimate way to describe my "affliction" - I guess lets call it a relationship addiction. I am powerless over my romantic relationships and my life has become unmanageable.

I am powerless over the information I share with my friends - it gets passed on to significant others.

I am powerless over the masochistic urges I have to over share.

I am terrible at keeping secrets [especially my own] so can I really judge someone else giving away my secrets?

Anyway, I love my hair post keratin treatment [what a Charlotte moment] 

When we were growing up...

- You could get beaten to a pulp for chewing gum, drinking chocolate milk or playing with balloons

- We'd dress up our cousins and dad in drag - full on make up and clips, bows in their hair

- Bai bought us stuffed squirrels back from her village, horrifying stuffed squirrels

- The domestic staff would put on a variety comedy show for us when our parents weren't watching

- I wanted to dye my hair blue

- There would be this sweet energy drink that all the other kids got to drink during short break - I'd manage a few swigs from my friends

- We had a little white pom called missy who departed our home on a pillow

- Hugs from dad would cure everything wrong in this world, making it all disappear

- Cutting was fashionable, we wore our scars with pride

- Muslims were really cool and bad ass, we always wanted to know more

- Books were life vests keeping us sane and calm

-TV kept us sedated and happy - crystal maze, top cat, the jetsons, batman

Say nothing at all

Sometimes I have so much I want to share and write about that I don't say anything at all. The only purpose of this blog is for me to share random flashes of my inner landscape. It shouldn't matter who witnesses these very intimate tiny portraits of an addict's mind and heart. And somehow it does...anybody who writes will tell you how much it means to have an audience - somebody to witness your flashes. Just for today, I am going to put that aside and just share. And each day I can do that...well, fabulous.

There's something about great cities like New York and Bombay - the people who live there love them with every inch of their hearts and will duel you to the ground if you criticize their cities. Personally, I don't trust people who don't like [if not love] New York or Bombay. There was a time when I used to think loving New York City meant hating everything that was not New York. Now I appreciate my trips to "other" places but am always happy to come back home.

There was also a time when I didn't trust people who didn't drink - we've come a long, long way from there.

As I'm studying competency-based interviewing, I keep getting PTSD style flashbacks about my job history. I feel like a sham.

Just because I have a cute dog, doesn't mean I want to talk to you on the streets, bitch. Somebody please make me that t-shirt for my birthday. I will wear it on days that Ari looks outrageously handsome and giggly little sluts swoon and slobber all over him.

Nobody has ever really written anything for me or created something inspired by me. The closest I've come to receiving that is the many handmade cards my sister gifted me while we were growing up.

My posts are so fragmented and almost ADD that I don't know what labels to give them. Speaking of ADD, I miss Robby and our conversations with the branches and me bringing us back to the core.

purge. print. delete.

I've been too busy playing with paint to play with words. I'm in a very dark place today and then I remembered that I have this little digital nook where I can go purge the fears that taunt me.

Recently, I overshared something really really top secret and put myself in grave danger. And then I had someone else overshare something to me and I realized this is what it feels like to be on the receiving end. Like watching a ticking time bomb and not knowing which wire to pull. I cringed and thought "Did I really need to know that?" - I wonder how often my friends and family think that when I overshare. All comes from a place of not having solid internal boundaries...and a lack of good judgement.

I really envy my friends in stable relationships right now. I have to wait for a lot more recovery before I can even dream of seeking something like that.

My health coach moves to Boston in June - I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. I'm wondering if there's someone I can hire to replace her. I'm going to miss her - she's become a very integral part of my life and recovery.

I have a god-sized hole in me right now - i feel empty and don't know how to connect to a power greater than me. I went for a meeting, made calls, did service, texted people. Took my lil guy for a walk. Just waiting for that moment of connection with Higher Power to feel whole again.

Things I could be doing right now but am not

- Working on my step 1 sex inventory: its just too graphic and painful, like picking at a scab and then scrutinizing it
- Doing laundry: Don't really have a problem with the washer/dryer part but can't seem to get myself to sort, fold and put away so theres a mountain of clothing sitting on the bed of the guest bedroom. Poor Adam had to sleep amongst it last weekend.
- Art: Im scared that if I start working on something I just won't end up going for my HR Recruitment and Selection class where we are doing resume critiques today
- Homework for HR class: I did half my homework but the professor has this policy that if you let her know that you don't have the homework on the sign in sheet, she lets you turn it in next week without penalizing you
- Texting fellows for support: I'm on day 3 and having a really rough time. Mom, my primary cheerleader for the past couple of days, just left for India.
- Journalling: Nothing takes the pain away like writing it out in a journal. Not even typing it out...just something about putting pen to paper is so soothing
- Making phone calls to figure out weekend social plans. Part of me just wants to isolate and the other part thinks that I have so much reading and homework to catch up on that maybe its best to have a light weekend...and yet another part just wants to fuck it all and have a good time

Day 3 letting go piece by piece hour by hour. today I let go...biting and bruises 

Zig zag post

Today I woke up thinking I'd love to write something - even if its just a brain dump. Thats a new feeling. My health coach and therapist keep asking if the reduced lithium dosage is helping my cognitive function - am I finding it easier to do homework [maybe] or read [not yet]?

I have art class today and we are going to work on our crackle paste medium pieces - I'm so excited i could pee myself.

Mom wanted to know if I would write about you on this blog - I said of course I would - this is where I process and purge.

There's no pressure to be coherent - just pressure to be honest over here. How do I externalize my internal reality without sounding like a complete freak? Wait a minute...I am a complete freak and that's okay.

I want to buy this book called dating while sober or something like that but my sponsor says its probably not a good idea to get involved with anyone new [new being the key word here] until I've completed half of step nine - Im just on step one.

I've been working on a sex inventory as part of step 1 - pretty intense stuff. You have to create an excel spreadsheet and answer 8 questions about each and every person you've slept with, had feelings for, or who contributed in some way to your sexual development. I don't remember half the people in most of these categories but oh well Im doing the best I can.

PS:
Letting go piece by piece, hour by hour. Today I let go...your hair [or lack thereof]

Why i don't write

A lot of people I meet from my past life [life before lithium] think of me as a writer. Why don't you write anymore they want to know. Well, let' see...

- I am scared of what will come out - some things are really not meant to be revisited
- I am scared that what will come out will be crap, of no value whatsoever - zero readability
- I don't want to hurt the people I love because I write mostly in memoir mode and I don't think they understand the licenses you can take within that genre
- Sometimes I just want to play with Ari ....I mean look at him, he's so cute.
- I am scared of being creative and actually producing something, completing something
- I don't have the self-discipline it takes to be a writer
- I don't have the literary tools to write what I want to write
- I am scared of actually writing something good because that would mean I have to write something else that's good and so on and so forth
- I know I am talented but just don't have the patience to cultivate that talent

 Every project I've started, I've aborted... so now I just want to get in the habit of doing this one thing on a regular basis - even if nobody will read it...even if its a massive waste of time ...its just me being shameless and getting it all out. 

french toast and mommies

It's been a weekend of french toast. First had the most amazing Mexican french toast at Dos Caminos for brunch on Saturday - pecan and nut crusted with plantains and caramel sauce. Then tried going to IHOP [yes theres now an IHOP in Manhattan] but the line was too long today. So ended up in this Thai restaurant eating thai tea french toast with roasted apples and cranberries = yum.

I love that I can talk to my mom about anything including how size does matter in certain departments *ahem* TMI you say? I don't know - it was just fun to see her reaction, which was "that's grounds for divorce in a year or two." My mom has finally learnt how to relate to me as a woman, not just her little two pig tail wearing girl with a lisp.

PS: I'm letting go piece by piece, hour by hour. Today I let go...your voice.